How to Have a Wedding that Aligns with Your Values
It’s officially wedding season! Buckle up for a slew of ceremonies and receptions celebrating the legal and religious union between two people.
In Evangelical communities, marriage is a rite of passage into adulthood, as well as the only socially-sanctioned context for sexuality. Marriage also serves as a way to get closer to God; a man marries a woman like Christ marries the church (his bride).
Weddings themselves come with a lot of hype and expectations. The more performative an event or relationship becomes:
The higher the likelihood for uniformity and singularity;
The lower the likelihood for personal accountability, ownership, and emotional investment during the process, and;
The less pleasure a person or relationship has while pursuing that thing.
In last week’s episode of Sexvangelicals, Julia, Maddie (our marketing coordinator), and I talk about the performative aspect of weddings, especially those in Evangelical, Mormon, and Pentecostal settings.
Weddings often enact two values:
Performative monogamy. Many wedding rituals - wedding vows, giving away of the bride, and the dreaded unity sand- reinforce explicit and implicit expectations of sexual exclusivity. Remember, EMPish weddings represent the socially sanctioned way for two people to become sexual persons.
Performative capitalism. The roles, rituals, and expectations that people purchase to indicate class and social status. According to The Knot’s Real Wedding Study, the average wedding in 2023 cost $35,000. In our most recent American home, Boston, weddings cost, on average, $50,000. Julia and I both note that our first therapy jobs paid less than the average Boston wedding.
Marriage and Autonomy in Evangelical Settings
EMPish communities often curtails the autonomy of choosing how and why to get married. In the Evangelical environments that Julia and I grew up in, marriage to a person of the opposite gender was highly (highly highly) encouraged to participate in the religious community long-term and attain the spiritual and eschatological privileges associated with Christianity (like heaven).
Side note: we’re not anti-wedding. This episode might sound like it, but Julia and I invite folks to be intentional about their reasons for getting married. The more intentional your reasons for getting married, the more likely the wedding process will be a positive and meaningful experience.
We hope that having a clear reason for getting married beyond “Because I’m supposed to” allows couples to create a meaningful day that reflects and celebrates their values.
If you’re considering getting married, why are you and your partner choosing to have the wedding that you’re planning?
To address the question above, I highly recommend Julia Carter and Simon Duncan's 2018 book Reinventing Couples: Tradition, Agency, and Bricolage. Carter and Duncan explore how couples have redefined identity and meaning-making over the last 70 years, focusing on how they balance tradition and individuality when cohabiting, marrying, and forming families.
In their book, they interviewed English couples about their wedding choices and identified four main themes, which they detailed in their article “Wedding Paradoxes: Individual Conformity and the ‘Perfect Day’”:
How do you want to tell the story of your relationship? People described their wedding as a way to publicly acknowledge and confirm their love and commitment. Participants also noted how the relationship and its “we-ness” takes precedence over the interest of the individual.
What role do you want the community to play? The wedding happens as the result of the presence, guidance, and participation of others, be they wedding guests, professional wedding vendors, or the volunteer energy of family and friends.
How do you want to engage with tradition? Carter and Duncan observed three categories of wedding development.
The conformist group, which had the most participants, designed weddings that closely aligned with traditional values. The authors note that while some people "passively and non-reflexively" opt for traditional weddings, others do so because they lack the financial and/or emotional resources to create something different. Young and working-class individuals were the most likely to have traditional weddings.
The reproducing group combined tradition with personal flairs. For instance, my wedding involved a taco bar at the end, as Mexican food is a common love language for me and my ex. These weddings tended to be created by folks with more resources—older, middle-class, and more educated folks. Men and women tended to collaborate more equally in these weddings.
The alternative group, almost exclusively ditched the wedding traditions to create something completely unique to the couple.
4. How do you want to engage with gender and gender norms, especially femininity? Carter and Duncan describe this phenomenon as “romanticized consumption.” Many women glorified the experience of getting dressed up and being doted on, using terms like “princess” and other fairy tale-like language. Interestingly, many women also discussed the additional burden that comes with engaging in traditional femininity.
While traditions and social norms can influence our choices, it’s crucial to reflect on why you and your partner are planning your wedding the way you are. Our work with Sexvangelicals and the Relationship 101 Substack encourages making relational decisions that are intentional and purposeful, with awareness and celebration of the needs, personality traits, preferences, goals, dreams, and values of each person in the relationship.
Let’s heal together!
