4 Key Transitions Every Couple Encounters
A huge part of our work as relationship therapists is understanding how couples navigate transitions. Jay Haley, renowned family therapist, observed that most psychological problems arise from difficulties in effectively transitioning between life stages.
At the risk of oversimplification, as relationship therapists, we explore four types of transitions with couples:
1.Role Transitions
A long-term relationship encompasses various roles, including emotional connection, administrative and financial collaboration, co-parenting, and sexual exploration.
These roles frequently intersect, as a single conversation between two people can touch on several of these areas.
People transition between these domains at different rates. This is most often seen in sexual desire discrepancy, where one partner experiences spontaneous desire, while the other requires more time, space, and other factors for responsive desire.
Desire discrepancy isn't limited to sexuality; it can occur in any domain of a relationship, such as emotional connection and administrative responsibilities.
2. Geographical Transitions
The different roles we play occur in various geographical spaces and require us to:
1. Do what we need to leave the current location.
2. Travel to the new location.
3. Adjust to the new surroundings.
The Gottmans address this through their "partings and greetings" exercise. They suggest couples spend 5-10 minutes before leaving for work discussing what they're looking forward to and what they’re anxious about for the day. Similarly, they recommend couples spend the first 5-10 minutes after work reconnecting by sharing what they enjoyed about their day. This helps couples focus on relational reconnection before addressing other roles, such as co-parenting or household chores.
Julia and I are undergoing a significant geographical transition as we’ve concluded our two-year visa in The Netherlands and are now back in the U.S. I’m acutely aware of this transition, as I’m wide awake at 5 AM, with my body confused about the time zone. We’re in temporary housing for the next four months before settling into a permanent location. Yesterday, Julia and I spent an hour exploring our new town, visiting a grocery store and a local coffee shop.
3. Relationship Evolution Transitions
The function of a relationship changes throughout its lifespan. Inspired by Ellyn Bader's Developmental Model for Couples Therapy, here is a brief summary of the five stages:
1. Bonding: The initial 18-24 months focus on discovering commonalities through shared activities, traits, preferences, and life goals.
2. Differentiation: Around the two-year mark, partners begin to see and disclose each other's flaws. The relationship must determine if these differences are manageable. If so, both partners make lifestyle adjustments to accommodate each other. This stage often involves couples therapy.
3. Exploration: Partners work to maintain their individuality by developing separate friends and interests, while supporting each other's growth. Eroticism can arise from reuniting after independent pursuits.
4. Reconnection: Later in the relationship, partners identify common interests and preferences, either new or reminiscent of the initial bond, leading to a deeper connection based on a mature understanding of each other.
5. Synergy: Inspired by Peggy Kleinplatz’s “Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers,” this stage acknowledges long-term relationships that thrive emotionally and sexually after years of trial and error. High levels of enjoyment and connection are reported by couples married for over 25 years.
4. Stage of Life Transitions
In our Substack article last week (“Five Questions that I Wish Stephanopoulos Would Have Asked President Biden”), one of the dumbest questions George asked the President was: “Are you the same man that you were when you took the office three and a half years ago?”
I would have answered the question: “Of course I’m not, you numbnuts. Even in my 80s, I’m continuing to evolve and see the world differently.” I won’t be running for office anytime soon.
We are not the same people we were three years ago. We constantly respond to uncontrollable events and gather new information about ourselves and the world. Our bodies change, influenced by cycles or the natural process of aging.
This is all before considering the impact of others, like partners, parents, and children. Children develop much faster than adults, affecting the entire family system.
New people enter our lives, sometimes as newborns and sometimes through chance encounters. People leave our lives, whether through relocation or the finality of death.
Major transitions, such as the death of a parent, require adjustments that also influence our daily role transitions.
Transitions require a high degree of flexibility and openness, which our brains, primarily focused on keeping us alive, often struggle with. As relationship therapists, we guide couples through these stages, helping them navigate role changes, geographical moves, relationship evolution, and life transitions. Embracing these changes with flexibility and openness allows couples to grow stronger and more connected.