Episode #55: Three Ways to Call Audibles and Transition Well in Relationships, with Julia and Jeremiah

Transitions are a natural part of life. There are big transitions, such as a person leaving home or a child aging into adolescence. There are smaller transitions that happen everyday, such as leaving to go to work or switching from topic to topic in a conversation. 

A family system has to be adaptable enough to respond to transitions, and many relationship and family problems are rooted in challenges transitioning.

In this episode, Julia and Jeremiah discuss three strategies to help you and your partner call effective audibles and transition effectively. We talk about:

Unilateral Decision Making (11:00): Jeremiah talks about how EMPish gender scripts affect unilateral decision making: “I learned that being a good Christian man meant that I needed to take charge no matter the circumstance. I also learned that women are fragile and need caretaking. I actually, as a result of those, call quite a few audibles.”

Making Adjustments (13:00): Julia discusses the second “stuck point” and how that looks like in her experience. “Depending on the stakes or the level of the audible, I can get mildly anxious or even fairly panicked if it's a big audible. This can paralyze me and I struggle to take the first step towards whatever adjustments are necessary, which further reinforces the problem.”

Sexual Context and Audibles (16:00): Julia draws a connection between responsive sexual desire and audibles: “Responsive sexual desire means co-creating a sexual experience that one or both or all partners want, but you don't necessarily experience arousal or motivation or maybe even a high degree of interest in the sexual experience before it happens. You trust that as you and your partners move into the sexual experience that the arousal, the desire will grow and you will have a great experience. This can be true for me and maybe for you when you think about calling audibles. As I mentioned, in a moment of anxiety, I have a hard time trusting that I and you and us will be able to move through the audible well.  However, what helps me is to remember a version of responsive desire, but not in a sexual context.”

Aftercare (19:00): Jeremiah offers the third stuck point: “Not debriefing or providing aftercare. Calling an audible means that a couple has very little time to make adjustments, which is usually stressful, and communication may be inherently limited.”

Preparation (21:00): Julia talks about the importance of calling smaller audibles for when bigger ones arise: “Calling smaller audibles may not need as much relational work when the stakes are low. And debriefing a very small audible might seem strange. For example, how well did we handle taking a different train than the one we had originally expected? But I would argue that these are good opportunities to practice for when you and your partners are managing the inevitable higher stakes audibles.”

Let's heal together!