Seven Signs You’re Having Great Dialogue
image by @jeremiahtakespictures
Yesterday, I was working with a couple who hashed out differences around social media: one partner uses social media as a way to market their business (and, as a byproduct, themselves), while the other partner described extreme discomfort around their information and data about their children on the internet.
At the root of the issue, one person values (and relies on) publicizing their story, where the other person values keeping their lives as private as possible.
They explained that this has been a problem over their nine year relationship, which actually matches the data. Couples researcher John Gottman suggests that every couple has their own conversation or dialogue that perpetually causes problems, generally because of a difference in personality style, lifestyle needs, or values.
Julia and I are discovering our perpetual problems, which we’ll write more about in another blogpost. They can be extremely discouraging; in fact, when I talked about our perpetual problem with a couple last night who was struggling with their own perpetual problem, one partner responded, “I feel so much better to know that two relationship therapists struggle with this.”
Having a perpetual problem doesn’t mean that you have an unhealthy relationship. It means that you have a relationship. And that these particular themes need special care.
What is the perpetual problem in your relationship?
We encourage you to lean into these conversations, as the ability to explore the core differences at the root of the perpetual problem can help you significantly grow as a person and a relationship.
Perpetual problems involve great dialogues. And so we turn to Gordon Pask, author of the classic textbook Conversation, Cognition, and Learning, to identify seven signs that you’re having meaningful conversation.
A goal: This could be specific or general, but ideally is mutually understood. What do you want to explore about the other person?
An intention: This could be articulated or unformed, but again, ideally is mutually understood. What’s the purpose of exploring this conversation at this particular time?
Understanding of context: A moment, place, shared history, and/or situation. How are you engaging with this core difference given the details of this particular moment in time?
Language: A shared means for communicating. What nonjudgmental vocabulary do you want to use to describe these differences?
Exchange: An engagement in back and forth interactions, based around the shared language. How do I describe myself using I-language? How do I listen to the other without personalizing what they’re describing?
Agreement: A shared (or shared-enough) understanding of concepts and values. What did you learn about your partner and yourself?
Action or transaction: A mutually beneficial outcome or potential way to continue (or discontinue) the conversation. When do we want to come back to this conversation?
We hope these goals and questions can help you have dialogues that focus on exploring yourselves and the other person, giving each of you the capacity to grow and be as authentically yourselves as possible!