3 Respectful Ways to End a Relationship
No, Ghosting isn’t a Viable Breakup Strategy
One of the most difficult parts of a relationship is knowing how and when to end it.
Many relationships have very brief timeframes, such as the 10-minute conversation you had with a barista or your relationship with your hairstylist.
Other relationships come to an end naturally. People die, people move, or, if you’re like me, you’re the one doing the moving. You may become less involved in a particular community or activity, such as church, and as a result, you might never see those people again.
The Dynamics of Relationships and Their Endings
To be fair, not all relationships require formal endings. However, some do, particularly those that enter the romantic or sexual realm. (This is unless there is a clear understanding among all partners from the outset that the relationship has a time or geographic limit. For example, sex clubs often discourage exchanging phone numbers, establishing the expectation that any relationship is limited to the confines of the venue.)
Romantic and sexual relationships require a combination of:
Intense vulnerability, particularly at the beginning of a relationship, as you share personal information in the pursuit of common interests, experiences, and values.
The fantasy—or reality, if a couple decides to marry or identify as partners—of a lasting relationship.
While Julia and I primarily work with established, long-term relationships, we recognize that the dating experience can be filled with significant hope and frustration. In the 21st century, daters are often encouraged to take their time and settle for less.
There are many more potential romantic and sexual relationships where interests and values do not align than there are where they do.
Ghosting is the Worst Kind of Breakup
And now we get to the process of breaking up.
Breakups are painful. The end of a relationship brings feelings of grief, sadness, rage, and loneliness, no matter how it happens. Julia and I believe a more constructive question for those considering ending a relationship is this: How can I honor the humanity and dignity of the other person while letting them know I want to end things?
You and I both know, however, that many relationships don’t end with this style of honesty and integrity. While ending a marriage requires a legal process with legal aid and a district judge, daters must navigate how to effectively end a nonmarital romantic or sexual relationship on their own.
And thus, ghosting was born. For those who don’t know, ghosting is a way to end a romantic/sexual relationship in the most passive way possible: complete avoidance and disappearing.
How to End a Relationship Well
Communicating the end of a relationship demonstrates respect for the other person and acknowledges the time, money, and emotional resources they invested. This honest feedback allows them to communicate more effectively in future relationships and better define the commonalities they seek moving forward.
We want to offer three suggestions for breaking up with dignity:
If the relationship has included face-to-face interactions, make sure the breakup conversation is also face-to-face (even if it’s via FaceTime) and time-limited. I understand that technology allows for a quick text saying, “We’re done,” but this prevents you from witnessing the other person's reaction. Healthy communication requires being present for others during their grief and sitting with your own discomfort. In the breakup conversation, inform the other person that you have a limited amount of time (I suggest between 15 to 30 minutes) and adhere to that timeframe.
Express your gratitude for the relationship. Thank them for their time, vulnerability, and effort. Share something positive you learned about yourself during the relationship. (Just be sure to avoid any passive-aggressive remarks about what you don’t want in the future.)
Focus the reasons for ending the relationship on the relationship itself, not the other person. The two most common reasons for breakups are a lack of commonalities or a breach of some agreement. Center the conversation around one or both of these points. You might say, “We are different people, and we deserve to be in relationships with those who share more in common.” Or, “This broken agreement is too difficult to recover from. For both our sakes, I think we should pursue new relationships where we can have fresh starts without feeling indebted to each other.”
Ending relationships with this level of honesty requires significant bravery and internal courage. If you and your partner are thinking about ending your relationship, Julia and I would be happy to help you do so in a way that honors both individuals with dignity and respect. Email us at sexvangelicals@gmail.com to learn more about how relationship coaching can assist you.