Episode #31: Partnership Building: 15 Minute Pockets Forever

In the last six months, we had a series called The Seven Deadly Sexual Sins (According to the Church), where we answered the question, “What is the sex education that the church DID want us to have?”

And then we talked about the sex education we actually wish we had, centered around the six sexual health principles described by Doug Braun Harvey.

And this summer, we’re talking about seven principles of healthy relationships from John and Julie Gottman in a series that we’re calling Partnership Building:

1. Curiosity

2. Appreciation

3. Turning towards your partner

4. Positivity

5. Conflict management

6. Negotiation of differences

7. Finding a shared meaning"

In this episode, we talk about The Four Horsemen (16:00) of unhealthy interactional patterns in a relationship: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. And we close by describing how focusing on 15 minute increments can help your relationship move out of these unhealthy dynamics. We talk about:

• Criticism (20:00): Jeremiah explains, “Complaints are typically comments about the relational process, about the dynamic itself. Criticisms are comments about the other person's character.” Julia gives the example: “So a criticism would have been, you don't think about my needs, you're a neglectful partner or some version of that. I'm really proud that I was able to focus on the specific behaviors and interaction processes that hurt me. Rather than targeting that frustration at you as a person.”

• Defensiveness (29:00): Jeremiah reflects, “I noticed that I also get really defensive because more than anything in this world, I want you to be happy and I fall into the trap. A lot of thinking that my decisions interfere with or affect your happiness, that you'll be mad at me.” Julia responds, “So often we move into these four horseman types of interactions and we forget that our partner was actually trying to help us. If I perceive that you are going to misunderstand me, I can pretty quickly jump into defensiveness by also over-explaining myself and giving reasons for why I do things, even though I don't really need to do that. I wonder if that's an interactional pattern that other people might be able to relate to.”

• Contempt (34:00): Julia warns, “To be super blunt, a relationship cannot survive in which contempt is present on any regular basis. Criticism and contempt have some similarities and they are a bit difficult to distinguish. But ultimately the distinguishing features are one, the prevalence of criticism and defensiveness. And then two, the sense of moral superiority that comes from contempt with a true intent to harm the other person. Contempt is like criticism but on a steroid. Contempt does come with a sense of, I want you to hurt” Contempt fosters resentment and is also a means to feel superior to your partner, and when that is present a relationship cannot and will not survive. 

• Stonewalling (44:00): Jeremiah shares, “Stonewalling often gets shown as dismissiveness. I’m wondering if that's kind of what my ex was referring to was the ways that I would kind of space out when, either my perception of the culture of contempt got significant, or when the actual culture of contempt was happening.” Stonewalling essentially means blocking out our partner which leads to a lack of initiation in the relationship.

• Relationship 101 and Antidotes for the Four Horsemen (50:00): Julia describes, “Both of us have some strong leadership energy that can conflict with each other. So I made myself these little flashcards for our next meeting. So one of the flashcards says, you are the greatest source of joy in my life. And I was thinking, I'll play that card and just put it down on the table when I'm really frustrated with you so that I can move into a space of appreciation, which is the antidote for contempt.”

• The antidote for criticism (54:00): “What's important with criticism is to speak from your own experience using classic I statements.” Jeremiah says, when working with criticism it is important to frame our complaints through “I feel” statements rather than accusatory “You are.” 

• The antidote to defensiveness (57:00): “Part of the antidote to defensiveness is taking the time to understand how something impacted you before I move into sharing my intention.” Jeremiah notes it’s important to figure out where our feelings are coming from before moving into a defensive space. 

• The antidote to stonewalling (58:00): “The Gottman's suggests that self-soothing is the antidote, which means finding something that can give some sort of psychological and relational relief.”  Julia talks about how self-soothing (so going on a walk, reading a book, etc.) can relieve some of the frustration and avoid stonewalling. When our minds are calmed and cleared we can re-engage the emotions and conversation at hand instead of blocking our partner out. 

We’re excited to share more about the Gottman’s research this summer. Sexual health is relational health, and relational health is sexual health.

Let’s heal together!