Episode #39: Partnership Building: How to Celebrate Differences in Your Relationship, with Jeremiah and Julia

Julia shares, "The myth from the church is that upon getting married, we transition seamlessly into marital sexual bliss."

Purity Culture describes a lot about how to avoid sexuality prior to marriage, but says very little about how to navigate sex during sexuality, outside of:

1) The two shall become one, meaning uniformity is expected.

2) Sex will be regular and consistent, but there are few tools to actually create a healthy sex life.

Julia and Jeremiah continue their series called Partnership Building in which they describe the ways that married couples, the prized citizens within EMPish communities, lack the tools to practice positivity in their long-term relationships. We talk about:

Positive Perspective (4:00): “Let's very quickly review what we mean when we say the positive perspective, specifically as it relates to sexuality. As you may be, and are probably intimately aware, folks from Evangelical, Mormon, and Pentecostal communities, EMPish communities, often struggle to have a positive perspective about sexuality when dominant messaging from these communities focuses on no.” Julia starts us off by defining positive perspective in the context of EMPish communities, as most of the sexual education is focused on denying sexuality. Jeremiah adds: “Positive perspective is not necessarily about the emotional expression. It could be about emotional expression. But it's more so about supporting you in creating an openness to possibility. The possibility to have a mutually pleasurable sexual experience.” A positive perspective focuses on a positive outlook rather than just positive emotions, and a positive outlook on sexuality is not fostered within EMPish circles.

 The Post-Marriage Script (9:00): “The enmeshed nature of Christian relationships, which we will come back to at the end of this episode. In one of the classes about sexuality, the instructor talked about the importance of abstinence during the dating and engagement period because, and I quote, this is the only time in the course of your relationship that you won't be having sex.” Julia shares her experience during “Leap of Faith” in which an instructor perpetuated the EMPish myth that a healthy non-stop sex life will come about the second people get married. Jeremiah says, “So that's a perfect example of what I mean when I say that the post-marriage script not only focuses on the expectation of sex but the expectation that sex will always be present on a very regular basis.” The post-marriage script essentially promises people that sex will be regular and consistent but gives them no tools to actually create a healthy sex life.

 Communication (14:00): “Communication skills for navigating sexuality are essential for couples to develop a sense of sexual positivity. In EMPish communities, couples do not learn about how to solve problems or negotiate differences between couples outside of prayer and these weird metaphors for sacrifice like washing feet.” Jeremiah talks about how the only system in place for couples to negotiate differences is prayer, but no other systems are put in place to aid in communication. He continues: “EMPish communities also say that sex is a representation of Jesus caring for the church. Which, going back to the Joshua Butler book that we talked about a few months ago. When you're representing Jesus and the body of Christ, that puts a lot of pressure on the sexual relationship without either general communication skills or sex-specific communication skills.” 

Light Switch (29:00): “That is actually the myth that we are debunking. So I'd like to come back to the idea of the light switch that both of us referenced. The myth from the church is that upon getting married, we transition seamlessly into marital sexual bliss. I've noticed that a similar myth in the deconstruction and sex therapy world […] So when folks leave religious communities, or maybe they are still a part of a religious community and they are unpacking and unlearning some of these negative messages, they expect a similarly fast transition for healing to occur.” Julia speaks about the light switch metaphor which essentially boils down to the idea that the second people get married, their entire sexuality and sexual life just switches on. This is harmful because when that doesn’t happen, people feel ashamed of themselves. The light switch metaphor also applies to deconstruction, because many folks find themselves confused that after they leave the Church that all their problems have not disappeared overnight. It is important to give ourselves patience and time to heal and grieve. 

Enmeshment, Individuation, and Differentiation (35:00): 

“I want to talk about three things. One is enmeshment. Two, individuation. Three differentiation:

• ENMESHMENT: “Enmeshment is a relational marker. Enmeshment is essentially a lack of healthy boundaries. One way this looks is that a person's sexuality belongs to the community or a spouse. A person's not allowed to make individual choices. They must conform to the dictates of the community. And if you are a woman, you must submit to male authority.” Jeremiah defines our first term, which is key to understanding EMPish relationships. The relationship is not private, it is held to the standards of a group and thus has no room for individuality and choice.

• INDIVIDUATION “In the early stages of deconstruction, they sometimes overcompensate when moving into individuation. And individuation is a process of doing things for yourself, regardless of what other people might say.” Jeremiah notes that as people move through their deconstruction journey they may go too hard into individuation, which then erases the needs of their partner and relationship. 

• DIFFERENTIATION: “Differentiation is a process of doing things for yourself in a relationship with other people. This means that you have to take into account that your partner may want to do something completely different. Or their style or personality traits means that the way that they do the thing you want to do is different from the way that you want.” Jeremiah closes out by defining differentiation, which Julia and Jeremiah use examples to contextualize further. 

Relationship 101 (51:00): “Relationship 101 today is in two parts, and both of these will sound very basic and very simple. In some ways, they are basic in the sense of being foundational, but not so simple in practice. So number one is talking about a sexual experience before, during, and after. And number two is paying attention to differences.” Julia lays out foundational relationship 101 for today. One of the key elements is talking about and engaging with sexuality before, during, and after. Sex does not begin with foreplay, a sexual experience can begin hours before with sexting or flirting with your partner, which can make for a more extended and meaningful experience. 

Let’s heal together!