Episode 71: How to Talk with Your Kids About Sexuality When You Grew Up in an Evangelical Community, with Lindsay, Meg, and Sarai from the Holy Ghosting Pod.
Many folks who grew up in the 90s and 00s grew up with an extreme amount of sex negativity. Regardless of whether or not they grew up in Evangelical churches, Gen-X and millennials were impacted by a culture and policy that reinforced negative messages about bodies, sexuality, and gender.
And it's on us to make sure that future generations aren't saddled with equally negative messages and practices about sexuality and relationships.
We talk with Lindsay, Meg, and Sarai from the Holy Ghosting Podcast @holyghostingpod about how they have navigated talking with their kids in more effective, affirming, and healing ways. Check out our conversations about:
Project 2025 (5:00): Jeremiah starts us off on an important note. “Project 2025 is a legitimately scary proposition. In good news, the Heritage Foundation has published the entire 900 page document on the website, so you can read it. Read through what they are planning to do with a Trump presidency. If you don't want to read the 900 pages, which I fully get, there are fortunately a lot of really good resources that are breaking down Project 2025 and other trends in Christian nationalism.”
Imposter Syndrome (9:20): Lindsey shares, “I think there's like a a little bit of imposter syndrome happening as a person who, it took me so fucking long to figure out sexuality and pleasure, and I feel like I'm still figuring it out. I don't want that for my child, but it still feels like this big limit, how do I even do this?”
Discussing and Demystifying Masturbation (11:00): Meg discusses, “I was really nervous about the masturbation conversation as well. Of course there's a lot of shame around that subject growing up the way we did. lustful thoughts were not allowed, much less anything self pleasure or pleasure with anyone else. But when it came to self pleasure and knowing yourself and knowing what your body needs were, I was so in the dark about that. But it turns out it's actually kind of easier to have those conversations when you aren't including shame.”
Shame (14:00): Sarai insightfully says: “I feel like the reason why people shame other people is because their shame is triggered when that's happened.”
Engaging with Sexuality at Different Ages (15:00): Jeremiah highlights: “5 to 11 year olds engage with sexuality in very different ways than adolescents do kids say, like funny things, but also very direct, very curious, very pointed things about sexuality in ways that adolescents, at least American adolescents, tend to not to.”
The Pain of Saving Yourself (22:00): Meg shares, “Any kind of sexual or sensual touching was not okay, with me, with boyfriends, because I felt like if I turned that light switch on, that was bad, because that was sexual promiscuity, which could lead to sexual things. All kinds of sexual things were villainized for me. But when I started to shift that language in myself about how do I now define sex, given a non heterosexual perspective partnership, like that just blew my little brain.”
Relational v. Behavioral (28:00): Julia notes, “I appreciate that you're talking to your kids about sexuality from a relational communicative perspective rather than a rigid behavioral perspective. Because all of us grew up with behavioral restrictions dictating sexuality.”
Discovering the Importance of Sex (32:00): Sarai shares, “I'm really grateful that I've had the time and the space and the specific kind of experiences to help me feel empowered in my sexuality and being able to prioritize that for myself and not feel like that's bad because sex shouldn't be important, right? We were taught to repress. Sex shouldn't be the most important thing in your life and you shouldn't change how your life is just for sex. I just don't think we need to be in self denial all the time. I want to be in communication and alive and progressing and learning and growing.”
The Gravity of the Deadly Sexual Sins (34:50): Lindsey details, “I had HPV and had some complications due to that and had pre cancerous cells and ended up having to have two LEAP procedures, which is like a biopsy, but then they take a part of your cervix out. It was before I was married, and so because of that I had to tell my parents that I had had sex. I wanted them to know about this cancer stuff. It was pretty serious. And I remember sitting in my car and talking with my mom about it. And she was truly more upset that I had had sex than the fact that I might have cancer.”
New Generation and Liberation (38:00): Meg says, I think that watching and seeing the liberation from the Christianity that I grew up with, seeing those kids be liberated and be able to live and be themselves. And really when they expressed themselves to me, my only reaction was how lucky I am to know you, how lucky I am that you feel safe with me. That I'm a person that you know is not going to reject you or give you grief about this, but is actually going to become like a really loud advocate.”