Episode #68: Coming Out in Evangelical Families, with Singer-Songwriter, Adaline, part 1 of 2
One of the most common targets of Evangelical, Mormon, and Pentecostal (EMPish) communities in the 21st century are queer people. The moralizing of straight, married relationships places people who are attracted to folks of the same sex/gender and folks who are curious about sexual experiences with same sex/gendered people in terrible double binds.
Folks can accept and practice sexuality in alignment with their sexual orientation in the face of name-calling, loss of relationships with family members, and threats of violence.
Or they can squelch or hide their sexuality, or practice their sexuality in more secretive ways, which itself can have negative impacts.
Coming out in EMPish communities carries a ton of undue emotional and relational pressure.
To help us navigate that, we've invited singer-songwriter and founder of non-profit Bad Believer, Adaline to share how she navigated her own coming out process. We talk with Adaline about her first album, Hymnal, as well as:
Body Talk and EMPish Communities (4:00): Julia kicks us off by discussing the song Body Talk: “EMPish communities train folks to disconnect from their bodies, which has detrimental consequences. I love how this song expresses the power, wisdom, and inherent beauty of bodily experiences, which quite the different messaging we learn from folks like Paul or St. Augustine.”
Hierarchy in Sin (9:20): Adaline shares, “Anyone who grows up in any kind of church system, being LGBTQ in any kind of way, … [there was] definitely implicit reality that it is a big sin. I think we all knew that there were certain ones that just had a lot more emphasis and a lot more weight thrown behind them.”
Binaries and Sexuality (13:00): Adaline says, “When things started to get more fluid in society and we started to see women or non binary people moving away from traditional gender norms, I think that's when it really hit me that it's not necessarily gender I'm attracted to. It might be a certain feeling or a certain situation."
Co-Opting Coming Out (16:00): Jeremiah notes: “Some families and communities co-opt the coming out process of an individual by misappropriating, say for instance, the trauma that queer folks experience in religious spaces onto themselves. So for example, highly religious parents may experience judgment from their community by having a queer child and act as if the trauma is theirs rather than fully recognizing the literal demonization that queer folks receive in evangelical communities.”
Part of You (23:00): Adaline discusses her song, Part of You: “There's a secondary adolescence that can happen when you start to feel feelings for someone that's really different than you grew up believing.”
Building the Strength (27:00): Adaline says, “I have always dipped my toes in, but always like very cognizant of knowing that I might have to talk to family about it, that I might have to talk to religious friends. Everything has felt like I've had to well up all of the energy I have inside of me and just be like, "I need to say it," Almost every time I've released music, I've had to drum up the strength and be like, okay. And just know that I can't be controlled by it because if I'm controlled by it and I can't make music.”
Trusting Desires (28:00): Jeremiah offers, “All of us in evangelical Mormon and Pentecostal spaces are taught not just not to have our desires, but for the desires that come up to to not trust them. That they are of something else that is quote not of God”
Double Authority (30:00): Adaline recounts, “So when someone in a power position or pastor or even my father, which made things even more confusing because my father was my pastor, so there was like a double authority thing happening. He was a good man, but he was also my father and my pastor. So everything he said had a ton of weight for me. So when I'm being told this as true, and I'm seeing something that makes it seem like it's true, When someone is like this thing you're feeling is of the enemy, that's it. You shut it down.”
Embracing Your Body (33:00): Adaline says, “I think there's two things going on with my body. I think that I've felt uncomfortable around the sensuality of my body for a long time because of growing up in purity culture narratives, but also I've always been curvy. So I think there was also this part of me that felt like no one wanted to see my body, or that that was something I needed to hide in order to appear more artistic, or more, palatable. I never really embraced or celebrated my body.”
Waist Down (38:00): Adaline discusses, “It's really the only true connection you have. And so you're actually noticing that parts of your relationship are flailing and not working. And you're kind of using that, the sexual connection, the sensual connection to put a big bandaid over everything else that is going on. I had done this in the past. The title itself is evocative and I think it invites people right away to know, okay, well, what, what is going on there?”
Sensuality and the Music Video (40:00): Julia highlights: “This really lovely layer of nuance, we've referenced multiple times already, the 80s, 90s, and early aughts, and I cringe thinking about the way that women are portrayed in those music videos because they are so objectifying in this awful, misogynist kind of way. And what I love about your music videos is that they are sensual in this celebratory kind of way. And even the colors and the fabrics and the tones highlight the lovely sensuality that you're describing in this song.”
Coming Out and Guilt (44:00): Adaline shares, “I don't know if there's many more moments anytime someone has to come clean about something or unveil or be vulnerable in a way that feels like your body is like shutting down how scary it is. I am very lucky because my parents showed up for me in a really beautiful way and never said to me, "Now we have this thing they had to carry." But I still feel these feelings of guilt and shame and having to disappoint or not being like the gold star religious family, especially growing up as a minister's daughter and growing up a pastor's daughter.”
Story Behind the Non-Profit (48:00): Adaline discusses her non-profit, “So the song Ghost aired [on TV] in August. The fans were just like, what song is that? So they started Googling and found out what the song was. And then they went to YouTube and because they were curious of who I was, they read the description. So then I woke up to like thousands of emails from people all over the world saying, "This is my story. Like I'm in a small church community and no one knows I'm out." Or, "No one knows I'm gay and like I don't know how to come out." I was like, "This is wild. There's so many people who are struggling and who also feel you.”
Let's heal together!