Episode #53: Kicking Off the New Year with Spiritual Abuse: How to Leave a Controlling Family Environment, with Katherine Spearing
Happy New Year! January is Spirtual Abuse Awareness month, and so we're kicking off the New Year with a couple of episodes with Katherine Spearing, host of the Uncertain Podcast and founder of the nonprofit Tears of Eden.
Katherine defines spiritual abuse as "invoking a religious text or deity as a way to maintain power and control over both individuals and communities." In this episode, we describe the multiple systems in Katherine's life that practiced abusive dynamics--family of origin, churches, the Evangelical system at large. Katherine talks with us about:
Stay at Home Daughters (7:00): Katherine discusses, “Women are very much just raised and indoctrinated to you will be a wife and mom, and you're going to stay in your father's home and be under your father's protection and authority. And then that will then be transferred to your husband. You're not allowed to go to college. You're not allowed to have a career. Everything you do is supporting your father's vision.”
Women as Property (9:00): Jeremiah responds, "The word that came to mind was property.” Women function as property to be managed and transferred within these systems, and any attempt at autonomy by women is seen as a threat.
Double Binds of Womanhood (13:00): Julia talks about the double bind women exist within in the context of the church: “I was thinking you experienced both infantilization as a woman, because you were essentially the property of any man and you were parentified and expected to over function. And that's one of the mind fucks that exists for women in spiritually abusive context.”
Arrested Development (17:00): Katherine explains, "I was a teenager when I left home at 26 and moved away from my hometown at 28. I was very responsible. I would fulfill my duties. I would show up on time. I would meet the deadlines.But in terms of just knowing myself and having healthy relationships with people and being able to just even describe how I felt about something, I couldn't even do that until I started going to therapy in my thirties.”
Labeling Abuse and Defining Spiritual Abuse Once More (25:00): Katherine talks about being able to label her upbringing as abuse, “I remember telling my story in that context. That was the first time that I used the word abuse publicly to talk about that. And then I think it was a few years later where I heard the word spiritual abuse and I was like, "Oh, that's it. Using God and the Bible deliberately to manipulate people and control people and twisting the Bible to make it say something. And deciding what verses you're going to use and what verse’s you're not going to use and deliberately manipulating people.”
Finding a Voice You Never Had (29:00): Katherine discusses how healing tools typically used for victims of abuse do not always apply to folks entering deconstruction: “A big healing tool for trauma is finding your voice again, getting your voice back. Well, how do you do that when you never had one to begin with? And that is a really, really challenging thing to work with. How do you even discover who you even are when you never were allowed to have a self?
Individuation (31:00): Jeremiah explains, “In the family therapy world, we refer to that process as individuation. The ability to separate from your family of origin and practice being your own person, which is hard enough of a process as it is, but then you add some of the elements of manipulation of guilt of those types of things.”
Phobias and Leaving Cults (39:00): Katherine talks about the process of leaving her abusive family of origin: “There's a common phenomenon that happens when someone leaves a cult, it's called phobias. And you have this feeling of God is going to strike me dead … I did something to violate God's laws or favor, and I am about to be destroyed.”
Silent Patriarchy (45:00): Katherine details her experience working at a Church and the lack of investment put into her as opposed to her male counterparts, because of the assumption of marriage. Patriarchy insidiously pulses through the framework of the world, “They would never say you as a woman shouldn't go to college and you should be a homemaker, but the environment lent to that for women. And I remember working for a church and my male counterpart in the youth ministry was very obviously receiving a lot of investment because he was going to be a pastor and I was not receiving the same investment and I eventually raised this. Cause I’m in seminary. This is my vocation. Where is my investment?”
Tears of Eden and Healing (55:00): Katherine talks about her organization: “The watering hole idea of this is a place that people can hang out, learn some things, learn about the experience, connect with other people who've been, been through this, and then they move on to something else. If that's six months, five years, 20 years, however long they need it. It's to help people navigate those initial experiences and figure out and name what happened, knowing that they are not alone in this.”
Learn more about Katherine's work by visiting tearsofeden.org. We're so grateful for her influence and passion for helping folks in the early stages of deconstruction!
Let's heal together!