Episode #50: Holiday Horror Stories: How the Holidays Reinforce Gender Norms, with Kelley, Kelly Anne, and Emma of the Woman Being Podcast.

What would holiday celebrations be without women?

No really. They would not exist without women. The holiday season often represents the worst part of Christian relationships, where gender roles define behavior and eliminate collaborative dialogue in the process.

Julia notes, "Even Hallmark movies join the nativity story, relying on women sacrificing--either their singleness, their autonomy, their career, or all the, for the sake of the relationship."

This week, we're joined by the amazing Kelley, Kelly Anne, and Emma of the Woman Being podcast. They talk with us about: 

The Hallmark Agenda (3:00): Kelley notes how Hallmark movies"subtly push against what I think bro culture would call the feminist agenda, which is this idea that women don't need a man to be happy in their life long term. They don't have to start a family to be fulfilled. It's about the "things that matter": Family and settling down.” 

Gender Norms & Christmas Movies (14:00): Jeremiah makes note of the background characters in Christmas films, and how they carry the gendered norms as well: “Gender norms around masculinity that get portrayed in the 90s and 2000s sitcoms are almost exclusively happening in these Christmas movies,  as well as mothers who caretake, prepare everything, and check in on relationships. That is also a vehicle for driving this plot point of the coupling process together.”

Bearing the Weight of the Holidays (16:00): Emma describes: “A lot of women bear the weight of executing Christmas. It's always centered around the women and their planning, their cooking, keeping the ship running, and getting the gifts for people. All of those things are part of what makes Christmas happen; very much like how women are the vehicle by which most churches operate.” 

Shame During the Holidays (19:00): Kelly Anne describes how the unpaid labor of the holidays is an expectation, not a question. “But women are crafting this environment, this container for everyone to enjoy the holidays in. And if you are burned out, if you're exhausted and you don't "rise to the occasion", the amount of shame that just falls on these is significant. If my mom didn't show up to Thanksgiving with dinner rolls, Thanksgiving isn't happening, right?”

Unpaid Labor (22:00): Kelley adds: “Men that do participate in the holidays may require compensation of some kind, whether that comes in the form of affirmation, praise, notoriety, or like actual exchange of services. Like, I'm going to make this and you're going to clean it.”

Hysteria (28:00): Julia notes that when women exhibit normal responses to unreasonable and exhausting labor, “It's labeled as hysterical. And actually, there is a very good reason for the emotional experience. Not only is the woman expressing this rightful rage but there is the double blow of having that then weaponized back against her and back against her. "Oh, you lost it. You had a hysterical moment." Rather than the recognition of, this is an unjust system.”

Expectations of Vulnerability (34:00): Kelly Anne, while discussing the prioritization of family growth during the holidays, explains, "There seems to be, at times, this expectation of vulnerability because you're related by blood when there's not necessarily that consistent relational equity that's being built.”

Burden of Decision Making (37:00): Kelley discusses how, through her pregnancy, people want to be accommodating by casting the decision as to what to do onto her out of consideration. She describes the unexpected impact: “But I think what has surprised me is that it's actually resulted in a huge increase in mental load for me as a person. Making decisions and being so in tune with myself and what I need at every moment that I can say, "Oh, I want this to eat, or I'm craving this"... I know it's out of consideration, but it has resulted in this burden for me.”

Grief During the Holidays (42:00): Jeremiah shares a family Holiday Horror Story. It's a sad one, not a funny one. “One of the things that we didn't talk about was the tragedy. I think it's important to remember the different ways that grief can come up. As a protective measure, my family didn't talk about that.” Not having discussions around hardships is a method of protection, which can actually further grief, instead of aiding the healing process. 

The Weight of Marriage (48:00): Emma talks about how her family differentiates the potential pressures between unmarried and married couples and the weight and reasonability assigned to both: “My family is excited to meet our partners and say, "Oh, they're just dating and we get to meet them and have a great time and chat with them and get to know them." There's not the expectation that they're going to carry some sort of weight that I think could be placed on them if they were married.”

 A huge thanks to the Woman Being team for their amazing work!

Let's heal together!