How to Practice Honesty When You've Been Lied To About Sex
In 1996, the Clinton administration, on the heels of 200,000 purity pledges planted on the Capitol Hill lawn, passed the Title V Abstinence Only Until Marriage Act. This proposal, created, disturbingly, in conjunction with the Welfare Reform Act, and even more disturbingly, for which the government handed $75 million in grants for states and non-profits to fulfill as recently as 2018, holds the following eight principles.
AOUM teaches “exclusively” the social, psychological, and health gains to be realized by abstaining from sexual activity.
Abstinence from sexual activity outside marriage is the expected standard for all school-age children.
Abstinence from sexual activity is the only certain way to avoid out-of-wedlock pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, and other associated health problems.
A mutually faithful monogamous relationship in the context of marriage is the expected standard of sexual activity.
Sexual activity outside of the context of marriage is likely to have harmful psychological and physical effects.
Bearing children out-of-wedlock is likely to have harmful consequences for the child, the child’s parents, and society.
Young people are taught how to reject sexual advances and how alcohol and drug use increase vulnerability to sexual advances. (Remember the JUST SAY NO campaign? This wasn’t just about drugs.)
Attaining self-sufficiency is important before engaging in sexual activity.
These are the principles that informed my sex education, and likely informed yours if you’re under the age of 45, regardless of whether or not you went to church.
And while there’s some truth to the content in the AOUM (alcohol and drug use definitely impacts vulnerability regarding “sexual advances”, for instance), there’s also some bald-faced lies:
There’s no data that suggests that sexual activity outside of the context of marriage is likely to have harmful psychological or physical effects.
Abstinence is not the only certain way to prevent STIs and out of wedlock pregnancy. I see you condoms and dental dams.
And while bearing children outside of wedlock is problematic if you’re 18 (and I would argue that’s true also for Christians who get married at 18 in the name of having church-sanctioned sex), that’s not true if both people are, say, in their mid-30s and are in a long-term committed relationship but will only get married for tax-related purposes.
This week’s Sexvangelicals episode answers two questions:
1) What are the implications on long-term relationships when you’ve been lied to about sexuality?
2) How can we, as parents and teachers, give accurate information to our children about sexuality, their bodies, and their options for presentation and sexual activity?
We are thrilled to have Kara Haug, co-founder of Reframing Our Stories, a business that provides sexual health education, resources and tools for families and communities to normalize conversations around sex and relationship in Sacramento, talk with us about strategies for talking with our children about sexuality.
A word of warning: When you begin talking with your children and teenagers about sexuality, there will be a lot of stuff that comes up for you. Partially because, as Kara mentions,
“Your children are your biggest triggers. As soon as you feel triggered about something, you need to ask yourself, ‘why was that triggering?’ And then you need to think about the root of that and then possibly be willing to get help for that.”
And partially because there’s a likelihood that conversations about sexuality with your children may be the first honest conversation about sexuality that you’ve ever had. There’s a ton of grief that arises for folks, especially those who partner with Kara in Sacramento, Jennifer Wiessner in Portland, ME, or a number of other sex educators who provide parent-child educational services.