Shifting from 'I Language' to 'We Language': Accountability in Relationships
2023 has been an incredibly hard year. We’ve had to deal with stressors from family of origin, remnants of PTSD, professional challenges and burnout, and cultural transitions. All while working three jobs and attempting to launch Sexvangelicals.
Each summer, Julia and I take a month off to hike, review our year and goals, assess our communication, and recalibrate our lives. This year, we hiked the 500-mile Alpe Adria Trail.
Two weeks in, we began reflecting on the last year. The more we talked, the clearer it became that it was a big mess, with both of us playing substantial roles.
“I” Language 101: A Formula for Effective Communication
In graduate school, we learned that the following formula is ideal communication: “I feel _____ when ______.”
While hiking, I discussed my struggle with anger, its origins, and the associated shame, emphasizing my desire to not be the person who yells. Julia shared the pressures she faces of Sexvangelicals, being a business owner, and her ongoing battle with PTSD, which has hindered effective communication. I also expressed my sadness and grief as the partner of someone with acute PTSD, while Julia mentioned her need for recovery and introvert time, lamenting their absence over the past year.
Two individuals, deeply attracted to each other, described our experiences to the other person while empathizing with their experience. Psychologists and self-help experts could use our conversations as a prime example of effective communication, a lesson in "I-Language 101."
However, Julia and I are learning that “I language” only gets you so far. At some point, the “I language” has to evolve into “We language.”
"Transitioning to 'We' Language: Embracing Accountability
Successful couples contain individuals who take responsibility for their part in negative interaction patterns. They move beyond “I feel ___ when ____” to “I do _______ that negatively affects our relationship.”
And then resists the urge to follow up with “But, you do ________.”
Discussing the last year brought up some difficult conversations. In the middle of Slovenia, we snapped. I said some horrible things. Julia said some horrible things.
In fact, we’d become so focused on "I" language and supporting each other in it that we neglected the "we." Consequently, without a plan for the collective, our only option was to direct our frustration at each other, which we did quite spectacularly during that afternoon in Slovenia.
This actually aligns with a common practice among many modern psychological, relational, and self-help practitioners: Begin by considering the individual's goals and perspectives, and then use these as a basis to seek alignment and unity. While this approach works well for dating and early relationships, Julia and I found out during our time in Slovenia that it can swiftly lead to conflicts when both individuals are vying for position in the relationship.
Start with the Finish Line: Establishing a Shared Goal
But what if, especially in the context of longer-term relationships, we reverse the process and use the following approach:
Start with “The goal/mission/purpose of this relationship is to ____.”
Determine what each person needs to do in order to meet the goals of the relationship.
Determine how each person can work together when problems arise that interfere with the larger goal.
This is how Julia spent our final week on the Alpe Adria. We moved from conceptualizing ourselves as a team with two individuals to talking about ourselves as two individuals who are working to support the team.
We discussed strategies to create supportive structures for the ongoing work of Sexvangelicals. For instance, we decided to decrease the number of recording days and schedule more recordings on a single day.
We talked about how we can build systems that allow us to check in on our individual, financial, and relational progress.
We discussed methods to break the pattern of getting too entrenched in "I" language and the tendency to overexplain ourselves, and how we can transition back into thinking relationally.
This is the type of “We-ness” that we want to continue to practice, and that we will encourage you and others who work with us to consider and explore.
Let’s heal together.