Reflections on Affirmative Consent
We are starting with the principle of consent.
The Harvey Institute defines consent as “voluntary cooperation, and communicates permission to try and reach sexual satisfaction and intimacy with willing partners…When consent is given, one is saying, ‘I want this experience to have an effect on me, to change me, to give me something that I desire, and I want you to provide it for me.’”
Last week, we recorded part one of a two part series on consent. Listen below:
One of the challenges is that consent is often defined in legal terminology, rather than relational terminology.
The goal of the legal system is to morph complex human behavior into simplified, actionable rules and expectations to make a society more organized and governable, with the hopes that human lives will be protected along the way.
“Relational therapists seek to identify complex human behavior and acknowledge it as complex.”
The goal of relational therapists, such as Julia and myself, is a bit different. We seek to identify complex human behavior and acknowledge it as complex. There are important foundational components to every healthy relationship (i.e. nonjudgmentality, curiosity, exploration), but these elements help couples create as many different pathways as possible for pleasure and relational wellbeing.
Some similarities between the legal system and relational health system, but also a lot of differences.
In this week’s episode, I introduced the concept of affirmative consent, which was established in 1990 by the Sexual Offense Prevention Policy, created by Antioch College in Ohio. Here are the seven characteristics that they originally listed:
Explicitness. A yes must be given verbally. Silence is not consent.
Voluntariness. The yes must be given without pressure or coercion.
Ability to consent. People who are intoxicated, sleeping, or people under a certain age cannot give consent.
Shift of responsibility. The person who initiates the sexual act has the responsibility to obtain consent of all participants in non-coercive ways.
Freedom from presumption. Consent must be obtained for each new sexual act.
Informedness. All participants must know what consent is being given for in particular.
Revocability. A person can withdraw a previously given consent at any given time.
Keep in mind, this is a document created through a legal perspective. The legal system explores consent in the following ways:
Did you get consent in the correct way? Or did you not?
Yes or no?
And defense attorneys, sadly, base many of their legal cases on this consent/not consent binary, eager to find one small loophole that might suggest that a plaintiff didn’t not consent. (I realize that’s different from a plaintiff actually consenting. But it’s a strategy that works in our legal system.)
Relational therapists, such as us, are playing a different game.
We want to know how a person communicated explicitly and verbally.
What language do you use to communicate what you want, both before and during a sexual experience?
We want to know how a person or persons navigate informedness.
What’s your process for communicating what you’re thinking about, and that everyone is on board with this process?
We want to know how a person communicates when they are in the receiver role, and how the initiator responds to the receiver.
What language do you use to communicate something doesn’t work for you?
What, if anything, might prevent you from using the language that you’d like to use?
More importantly, what do you want to do in the 5 minutes following receiving a no to ensure that everyone’s humanity is respected?
What are ways that you check in with each other during, and more importantly, after a sexual experience is over?
We want to know how you make decisions regarding substance use and sexuality?
How might a sexual experience work differently if you were sober rather than under the influence?
How might a sexual experience work differently if your partner was sober rather than under the influence?
On our Instagram this week, Julia and I are creating seven reels that talk about how to make consent more of a dialogue. More of a relationship. Let us know your thoughts!