Jeremiah: An Introduction

We often describe change as this revolutionary event, where a person enters into said event as one person and exits as a completely new person. 

Cinderella enters her meeting with the Fairy Godmother in rags and leaves transformed in a stunning ballgown and expensive shoes.

Walter White gets cancer and makes/sells meth as a way of paying for cancer treatments. We also love our antihero stories. 

Baptism utilizes this language. You enter into the baptismal waters as one person, and leave transformed by the Holy Spirit. (At least this was the narrative that I learned in my religion.)

Don’t get me wrong—there are plenty of experiences that lead to immediate, visible change in a person. Witnessing and surviving a crime. Unexpectedly receiving a large sum of money. Winning a prestigious award. Experiencing racial, sexual, or economic discrimination or abuse. 

Change does happen overnight for some folks. 

My experience is that, for most folks, change is far more gradual.

There are nuanced, subtle differences that only those that are close to you recognize. The behaviors and characteristics may seem similar, but change reframes the meaning and symbolism behind these behaviors. 

These are the models for change that I commonly see in my work as a couples and sex therapist.

“Grumpy Viking photo” Credit: Julia Postema

And this is the model for my own story of change. To the left is one of my favorite pictures of myself: the Grumpy Viking photo, taken in January 2020 in Maine. This photo represents my process of change that I’ve experienced in the last five years through the vehicle of sexual health.

For starters, I’ve always taken myself way too seriously. 

My name is Jeremiah, and I remember getting so angry when someone would sing “Jeremiah was a bullfrog”, as early as six. I’m not Jeremy. I’m not a bullfrog. I’m Jeremiah. 

I went to school in a gifted and talented program in the Dallas suburbs, and for elementary school and quite a bit of middle school, I spent much of my formative years proving my worth by being the smartest kid in the class, a process that I haven’t entirely rid myself of.

I grew up in a denomination called the Church of Christ. As a male in the church, I was expected to be a leader, and I met those expectations head-on. (More on this in another blog post.) When my church was falling apart during high school, I took on the responsibility to hold everyone together and keep my youth group friends focused.

I had a knack for figuring out what was expected of me and performing that role to the best of my ability. Usually, that role involved leadership, be that a more subtle portrayal of leadership (keeping quiet, politely answering questions when asked, not getting into drinking or drugs) or something more overt, like helping to direct chapel at a Christian university or serving as a de facto minister at a small church for five years.

I assessed my own value by how well I performed these roles of leadership, intelligence, and morality.

And, if I’m honest, I wasn’t a lot of fun. There were moments when I let my guard down, but I was generally way too self-conscious. 

Change often has catalyst events—moments and experiences that propel you forward, that no longer allow you to be the person that you were. 

For me, there were three significant events in my life that led to change. I’ll refer to these in more detail in future blog posts, but as an introduction:

Event 1: Five years ago, I began training as a sex therapist at the South Shore Sexual Health Center in Quincy, MA, where I now see clients and teach a couple of classes. I met my supervisor, Joe, there, where he reminded me numerous times, “Sex therapy changes you.” The more that I learned about the physiological and relational aspects of sexuality, the less passive and more assertive that I became. 

Assertiveness has consequences; sometimes, your stances can leave you looking ridiculous and isolated, as I look in the Grumpy Viking picture. I also learned to hold my positions in spite of the emotionality that surrounded me, both from my ex, and from my church, which leads to the second catalyst:

Event 2: Two years ago, I got fired from a church that I had worked at for five years. While the official reason for getting fired was related to staffing issues, I later learned that a significant reason for my firing was my diverse views on sexuality, which I discussed in various contexts at church. The firing from my church position, which I shared with my ex-wife, also catalyzed the end of that relationship, a relationship that shared some similar critical dynamics and inability to deal with differences.

See that intense look on my face in the Grumpy Viking picture? The one that’s a shade below “resting bitch face”? It’s still there sometimes. But it has a different meaning today. In the past, I took on way too much stuff. Expectations from folks to perform. Emotions of those close to me. I didn’t give myself permission to be me, and I was quite resentful for it. 

The firing from my church initiated a part of me that has much less tolerance for, well, bullshit. I’m able to set boundaries with those who are rude to me, who don’t appreciate me, and with tasks that don’t align with my values or vision. I’m much less interested in pleasing people (to be fair, I still have a lot of work to go on this one), which helps me practice integrity and uphold my positions.

Event 3: A few months after getting fired from my church, I met Julia. Julia is the most engaging, joy-filled, deep, passionate person that I’ve ever met. The more that we talked, the more we realized both similarities in our stories, particularly with religious institutions, and more importantly, similarities in our visions, utilizing sexual health to connect with folks who grew up in religious contexts. 

I discovered my own joy-filled parts, including the part that loved having his picture taken in a Viking hat. I reengaged with my own passionate and driven parts. (To the Enneagram fans: I’m a 3, and much less ashamed of it than I was a few years ago.) I improved in my ability to be compassionate and empathetic, this time, with a greater ability to not get sucked into other peoples’ emotions. 

I’m excited to share more of my story of change in the coming months and years through Sexvangelicals, and am eager to learn more about your story as well!

Whether or not you grew up in the church, many of you have been impacted by restricting messages about sex, sexuality, and gender espoused by religious communities.

I’m looking forward to healing together with you as we explore the joy, diversity, complexities, and change that can happen through healthy sexuality. Please take a minute to join our newsletter list and like our Instagram and Facebook page!