Examining the Presidential Debate through the Lens of Domestic Abuse
Hot take: Criticizing Biden for "not being better prepared" for Trump is akin to blaming a domestic abuse survivor for not standing up to their abuser.
How are y’all recovering from the Thursday debate?
To be fair, I didn’t watch it. It started at 2 AM The Netherlands time, and I was already fast asleep.
However, I awoke to a litany of panic, both from news sources and individuals on social media saying that the debate was an unmitigated disaster, that Biden should step down, and echoes C3PO’s of existential despair
A lot of the early response reeked of ageism. I unfollowed one Substack that I subscribed to that asked Joe Biden to take a nap. If we’re committed to opposing sexism, racism, and homophobia, the progressive community must also take a stand against ageism.
Intersectionality, and all.
It’s likely that the following morning’s panic was worse than the actual debate.
This was encapsulated by a confusing, yet unsurprising editorial from the NYT's editorial team, who have been a shocking ringleader of ageism against Biden.
They write:
“The president appeared on Thursday night as the shadow of a great public servant. He struggled to explain what he would accomplish in a second term. He struggled to respond to Mr. Trump’s provocations. He struggled to hold Mr. Trump accountable for his lies, his failures and his chilling plans. More than once, he struggled to make it to the end of a sentence.”
Clearly, nobody at the New York Times has ever been a couples therapist before. I’m guessing most of the "Biden out" contingent haven't been couples therapists either.
I recall many high-conflict sessions where both partners scream at each other, sometimes using obscenities, other times like Brick Tamland running around shouting, “Loud noises!” An earlier version of Jeremiah would have been frozen by the energy, volume, and aggressive tone.
It's taken me 16 years of experience to confidently establish boundaries with high-conflict couples. I frequently interrupt discussions and tell them to "Stop talking," sometimes with a chuckle and sometimes with a well-placed f-word, while reinforcing the rules of couples therapy. (Most of my clients are from Boston, where expletives are part of everyday language.)
I've only started to handle high-conflict couples well in the last year or two. Even then, after a session with intense conflict, I often need time to unwind from the pent-up energy and frustration.
On Friday morning after the debate, I had a session with a woman who has lost both her parents in the past year. We're focusing a lot on grief work, particularly on navigating the complex feelings of respecting and admiring her parents in their 70s and 80s, while grieving the people they were in their younger years.
She expressed her anger about the debate, saying:
“I see my parents in President Biden. There’s so much to be proud of, especially in their later years. Watching him endure abuse from Trump, and knowing he could only do so much to fight back, made me weep. If I were a cameraperson, I would have been arrested because I would have rushed onto the stage, slapped Trump, and told him not to talk to Biden that way.”
My client’s statement reminded me of another important feature of the debate.
This wasn’t a conversation between two men using equal standards to talk about policy and the advancement of the American nation.
Thursday’s debate was a domestic abuse session.
And this wasn't a typical situation of mutual conflict between couples, where both parties were equally and consistently arguing. The domestic abuse was one-sided, with Trump directing most of the aggression towards Biden.
During the debate, Trump frequently interrupted Biden, resorted to name-calling, and made threatening remarks towards Black and Brown people. He also refused to commit to accepting the results of the election if Democrats were to win, echoing language reminiscent of his statements before the January 6 attempted insurrection.
Seth Abramson meticulously documented that Trump told 602 lies in just 40 minutes of speaking time, averaging one falsehood every 3.8 seconds. (We appreciate Seth Abramson for conducting this research, which CNN either declined or was unable to perform immediately after Thursday night's debate and in the following days.)
It's no surprise, as the New York Times noted, that Biden "struggled to hold Mr. Trump accountable for his lies, his failures, and his chilling plans." It's common for individuals to dissociate to some extent in interactions where they are being abused.
Therefore, if we analyze the debate and any interaction with Trump through the lens of domestic abuse, how does that affect our understanding and response? From this perspective, I have three immediate insights:
Blaming Biden for "not being better prepared" is like blaming a domestic abuse survivor for not confronting their abuser.
Ongoing domestic violence makes couples therapy (and any interaction involving the abuser) unsafe.
If the Democratic Party is to be faulted for anything on Thursday night, it's for initiating this debate in the first place. Republican supporters can now use aspects of the debate in their advertisements with slightly less manipulation.
As we unpack the dynamics of the debate through the lens of domestic abuse, parallels emerge that challenge us to reconsider our judgments. Criticizing Biden's readiness as if he were responsible for Trump's onslaught mirrors blaming a survivor for not confronting their aggressor. For ongoing exploration of these critical issues, subscribe to our Substack below.