How to Talk About Anger

This week on Sexvangelicals, we interviewed Sarah Stankorb, author of Disobedient Women.

Sarah gathers the stories of women abused by members and leadership structures of Evangelical religious groups, and explores how the camaraderie of online spaces helped survivors cognitively recognize the injustices that they were subjected to, and access the anger necessary to grieve their experiences.

I asked Sarah to talk about the ways that women talked about their experiences in the interviews she conducted. Sarah responded:

“Usually it was very confessional. It doesn't start with anger. It's very much raw and vulnerable.

“The sheer weight of [expressing injustice] and knowing your entire church community depends on and places their faith in these individuals—as representatives and voices of God— is a very, very scary thing to do.”

For many folks who have directly experienced abuse or other injustice, the initial response isn’t anger. They may access it following a combination of continued dismissal and encountering other voices who name an experience as unjust. But most people don’t start there.

If anything, as Sarah reminds us, the people who witness the injustice second-hand are much more likely to access anger quicker.

“I think, you’re more likely to have an example of a one-on-one exchange that's motivated from anger by someone who's advocating on behalf of a survivor. In the church, they may say, ‘This is not being fixed and maybe you need me to come in here and tell you, ‘Do your job.’’ Advocates may start off on that emotional note, but not typically in the survivor.”

It’s important to talk about power and abuse, and it’s especially important to create protection for folks whose lives are threatened by abuses of power that may come from a place of anger. However, focusing on the behaviors associated with anger without understanding the root injustice experienced typically only reinforces the behaviors, either because they create shame in the person exhibiting the behavior, or a sense of dismissal.

Anger as an emotion

Often, when we talk about anger, we’re referring to the behaviors that relate to anger.

Yelling. Swearing. Violence. Doxxing.

I yell because I’m angry—and I have plenty of reasons to be.

I’m angry that groups of men and individuals can pull off heinous organized crimes that torture women. And I’m angry that attorneys use the concept of “innocent until proven guilty” as an excuse to attack the character of victims of sexual and gender-based violence.

I’m angry that my partner, the person that I love more than anything in the world, suffers difficulty sleeping, flashbacks, and a whole other host of symptoms that she valiantly navigates every day because of the actions of these groups.

I’m angry that I, as many people who are partnered to survivors of abuse, have to play the role of gatekeeper and protect the amount of information that goes in and out of our family system.

And that’s before we get to the anger at religious systems that drive our podcast, Sexvangelicals.

But we’re not actually talking about the emotion of anger.

As the American Psychological Association Dictionary of Health reminds us, anger is:

“An emotion characterized by tension and hostility arising from frustration, real or imagined injury by another, or perceived injustice. It can manifest itself in behaviors designed to remove the object of the anger (e.g., determined action) or behaviors designed merely to express the emotion (e.g., swearing). Anger is distinct from, but a significant activator of, aggression, which is behavior intended to harm someone or something. Despite their mutually influential relationship, anger is neither necessary nor sufficient for aggression to occur.”

Even the APA bypasses the subjective experience of anger and moves to talking about the related behaviors.

Using anger to address injustice

When thinking about anger, what if we spent more time in the first sentence of the APA’s definition? What if we asked people, “What is the injustice or injury that you’re responding to?”

And, just as importantly, what if we listened?

What if follow up questions weren’t intended to poke holes in the story or justify whether or not the behavior aligns with the perceived severity of the injustice? What if we try to understand what the actual fears are?

Sustainable change happens by asking the question, “What’s the injustice or injury that you’re responding to?” Sustainable change happens by listening, and when the injustice or injury relates to larger themes of privilege (such as Christian nationalism) and loss of status, helping folks navigate the reality that they are in fact not better (or worse) than their fellow humans.

Let’s heal together!

Julia and Jeremiah